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July 5, 2011
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Updated 28/12/12- Taken on board a lot of critique, cut a lot of the fat and now have a refreshed piece!

I wrote this on my iphone, bloody hard!
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:iconaethiana:
Hey Becca,

To be honest, I felt this piece was perfect the way it was, before you updated it. I feel like cutting away the "fat", as you call it, took away a lot of the imagery and lessened the strength of feeling that came with it, because there's less buildup time now, and a shorter resolution. I'm sorry, I know you put a lot of work into this.
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:icondamonwakes:
I didn't see the earlier versions, but this seems like a well-polished piece. It definitely doesn't look like there's any more you could stand to trim: you might be able to tell the same story without quite so much detail at the beginning, but I don't think it would be as effective.

I can spot only a couple of things that might be worth a change: "debating who really the best actor to play Batman was" is one. I'm guessing this might have already been shifted around a bit during editing, as it makes sense but the "really" doesn't seem to belong there (unless it's a regional quirk I've never come across before). The other is the sentence beginning "Our ritual became less often." Dictionary.com suggests that "often" can mean "frequent" (which I think would make sense, though it's probably too formal here) but that's archaic.

:shrug: That's really it, though. Having one small detail at the end of a story illustrate a greater change is a tried and tested technique, and I think you've used it well. I agree with *glossolalias that you've turned a very ordinary situation into something remarkable.
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:iconbeccalicious:
Beccalicious Jan 6, 2013  Professional Writer
I agree with you on the batman line, it is a bit clunky! Thank you for your thoughts :D
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:icontinaaw:
tinaaw Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Stunning writing - congrats on this piece. Made me sad.
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:iconbeccalicious:
Beccalicious Jan 6, 2013  Professional Writer
Thank you :heart:
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:iconglossolalias:
you made the mundane heartbreaking and beautiful.
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:iconbeccalicious:
Beccalicious Jan 6, 2013  Professional Writer
Thanks :D
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:iconblacksand459:
Blacksand459 Dec 24, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
You really drive the point home of "would'a, could'a, should'a." So sad, so true.

This is a really beautiful piece, Becca.
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:iconbeccalicious:
Beccalicious Jan 6, 2013  Professional Writer
Thank you :D
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:iconblacksand459:
Blacksand459 Jan 6, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome!

And thanks for posting this Lit. Comm. Experiment; it has been really exciting to meet and mingle with other writers on DA, and this Experiment has been very instrumental in introducing writers to each other from across DA. :D
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