BeccaJS has limited the viewing of this artwork to members of the DeviantArt community only.
You can log in or become a member for FREE.

Deviation Actions

BeccaJS's avatar
By
Published:
3K Views

Literature Text

This content is unavailable.
Updated 28/12/12- Taken on board a lot of critique, cut a lot of the fat and now have a refreshed piece!

I wrote this on my iphone, bloody hard!
© 2011 - 2024 BeccaJS
Comments34
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
ErinM31's avatar
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star: Vision
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Originality
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Impact

I feel a bit brazen to critique you, but I shall do my best! <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/a/a…" width="19" height="19" alt="^^;" title="Sweating a little..."/>

I really like the start - it drew me in, I think for how the first sentence sets up an expectation that the second contradicts. The paragraph as a whole is excellent and sets the style, tone, and motif for the piece. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt=":)" title=":) (Smile)"/>

The next are also good, but in moving from the second to the third paragraph, I was uncertain whether we were still in the past or back in the present. "I noticed his smile first" suggested to me that it was still the past but then "in between sips" indicates the present. This is probably a minor point as the goal of these paragraphs was to provide an overview of the relationship which it does well.

I love the imagery in the fourth paragraph and really feel the poignancy of that missed opportunity. It makes the first sentence of the next paragraph hit all the harder. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/f/f…" width="15" height="15" alt=":(" title=":( (Sad)"/>

The second sentence of the that paragraph (fifth) doesn't sound right to me, mostly because there is no object for mine. While I realized it must mean "my place" it made me do a double take when I got to it for fear I'd missed something. I think something like "A fortnight later he never made it for tea." would work better. The next two sentences are perfect - great imagery with the Irish shortbread and "nothing but me and crumbs" <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/t/t…" width="15" height="15" alt=":thumbsup:" title="Thumbs Up"/>

The second to last paragraph (or last full paragraph) loses something for me... maybe because it moves from the specifics that make the rest of the piece wonderful to more general things? I think I would abbreviate the summary even more, something like:
"I looked at the pink teapot on my windowsill with a desire to use it. They were in Ireland a year now, married with a baby on the way."
Maybe insert a sentence about brewing the tea here, maybe the sound/smells could be evocative, and then on with "Taking my full teapot..."

Finally, is there something else that could be said instead of "waves of regret overpowered me"? It is not bad, but lacks the uniqueness that empowers most of the piece. Now the last line is back to just right. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/w/w…" width="15" height="15" alt=";)" title=";) (Wink)"/>

I truly hope that in endeavoring to make this critique helpful I did not make it negative! In fact my first impression on reading it was that I would have very little to say besides "great work!" It is really well done, overall, a wonderful piece! The theme is one that most can relate to and is beautifully depicted with unique imagery. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/h/h…" width="15" height="13" alt=":heart:" title="Heart"/>