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Literature
Butter
Breakfast was real oatmeal
Every morning in Taos,
Served at the kitchen table
By the window. Ravens
In the courtyard.
You always put a dab of butter
In my bowl, covered it
So it would melt completely.
for S.
Literature
Astro
You are a trajectory from which I have fallen, Moon-bound
Earth-boy. With height and speed your molecules shifted;
I dropped away by degrees — further, then further.
There must be all the sky between us now,
but I taste your dust with my fingertips,
follow afterglows.
Literature
Automatic
i.
"So where are you from?" The boy leans toward me, questions swimming in his eyes. I smile.
"Oh, I'm from Boston."
"No, I mean, where are you from?" My smile falters as I realize where this is going. It's an all-too familiar conversation, one I've been having since I was old enough to reply.
"Do you mean where was I born?"
"Yeah."
"I was born in China."
"Do you speak Chinese?"
"No."
"Does your family speak Chinese?"
"No."
He looks befuddled. I sigh.
"I'm adopted."
"Oh!" I see the light bulb over his head go off in a shower of sparks. "Do you know who your real parents are? Like, your real parents?" My temper flares. I stifle th
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Updated 28/12/12- Taken on board a lot of critique, cut a lot of the fat and now have a refreshed piece!
I wrote this on my iphone, bloody hard!
I wrote this on my iphone, bloody hard!
© 2011 - 2024 BeccaJS
Comments34
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I feel a bit brazen to critique you, but I shall do my best! <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/a/a…" width="19" height="19" alt="" title="Sweating a little..."/>
I really like the start - it drew me in, I think for how the first sentence sets up an expectation that the second contradicts. The paragraph as a whole is excellent and sets the style, tone, and motif for the piece. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt="" title=" (Smile)"/>
The next are also good, but in moving from the second to the third paragraph, I was uncertain whether we were still in the past or back in the present. "I noticed his smile first" suggested to me that it was still the past but then "in between sips" indicates the present. This is probably a minor point as the goal of these paragraphs was to provide an overview of the relationship which it does well.
I love the imagery in the fourth paragraph and really feel the poignancy of that missed opportunity. It makes the first sentence of the next paragraph hit all the harder. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/f/f…" width="15" height="15" alt="" title=" (Sad)"/>
The second sentence of the that paragraph (fifth) doesn't sound right to me, mostly because there is no object for mine. While I realized it must mean "my place" it made me do a double take when I got to it for fear I'd missed something. I think something like "A fortnight later he never made it for tea." would work better. The next two sentences are perfect - great imagery with the Irish shortbread and "nothing but me and crumbs" <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/t/t…" width="15" height="15" alt="" title="Thumbs Up"/>
The second to last paragraph (or last full paragraph) loses something for me... maybe because it moves from the specifics that make the rest of the piece wonderful to more general things? I think I would abbreviate the summary even more, something like:
"I looked at the pink teapot on my windowsill with a desire to use it. They were in Ireland a year now, married with a baby on the way."
Maybe insert a sentence about brewing the tea here, maybe the sound/smells could be evocative, and then on with "Taking my full teapot..."
Finally, is there something else that could be said instead of "waves of regret overpowered me"? It is not bad, but lacks the uniqueness that empowers most of the piece. Now the last line is back to just right. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/w/w…" width="15" height="15" alt="" title=" (Wink)"/>
I truly hope that in endeavoring to make this critique helpful I did not make it negative! In fact my first impression on reading it was that I would have very little to say besides "great work!" It is really well done, overall, a wonderful piece! The theme is one that most can relate to and is beautifully depicted with unique imagery. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/h/h…" width="15" height="13" alt="" title="Heart"/>