Setting: A Car park with the pay meter in view. There are a few cars in the park, with one in particular in centre focus.

TONY SINGH, a young Asian traffic warden enters and looks at a car. He looks in all the windows and realises it has no meter sticker in it. He stops looking and gets his pad out and starts writing a Parking ticket.

As he is writing we hear the car go ‘blip blip’ and the headlights flash to sign the car has been unlocked. IVAN CHADDERSTON, a middle aged businessman enters on his phone and pointing his keys towards the car. Tony does not look up yet but continues to write out the ticket.

IVAN:  (on phone) ... Thirty five galleons to fill that thing to the brim. I said to Bill he was having a fucking laugh I weren’t going to pay that amount! That’s forty quid! I’m sorry I ain’t gonna pay for no van to cross the channel and back when I ain’t getting any of the prophets. ‘Specially when it will have half a bunch of immigrants hanging off its back wheel. Rather not use my van at all to be honest...

As Ivan moves closer, Tony has seen him. Tony checks the number plate and copies it down. Ivan now notices Tony too.

IVAN: (still on phone)... Got to go mate, will call you in ten when I’m on the road. (Hangs up and puts his phone away in his pocket.)

TONY: Is this your car sir?

IVAN: What if it is?

TONY: Could you just let me know whether you are the owner of this car sir?

IVAN<:  Nah, not me. (He puts the keys away in his pocket.)

TONY: Any reason why then you approached the car as it unlocked?

The car suddenly goes ‘blip blip’ and the headlights flash again as the car locks.

IVAN: Well it’s a nice car isn’t it?

TONY:  Not as nice as that Lamborghini parked further down is it sir?

IVAN: Okay okay you got me, yes it is my car right, but you don’t need to give me a parking ticket there now do you?

TONY:  Well sir, you have no meter sticker on your window. This car park is a pay and display only.

IVAN: That’s bollocks.

TONY: There is no visible sticker on any of your windows sir. I even looked through your windows to make sure it hadn’t fallen down. The terms and conditions of parking here are clearly labelled on the meter after all.

IVAN: Well I paid the meter so you must be winding me up.

TONY: If you can open your car sir and produce to me evidence of your ticket purchase, then I will happily remove the fine and just issue you with a warning.

IVAN: A warning for what?

TONY: Not visibly showing your sticker in your car.

IVAN: That’s bollocks.

TONY: I am a reasonable man sir, but I have a job to do.

IVAN: Okay look here right, I did pay at the meter you see, I put my coins in but no ticket was printed. The thing must be out of paper or something. I did pay for it though.

TONY: That meter over there sir? (He points at the ticket machine.)

During this next exchange, an old couple enter and go to the machine. Between them start putting in coins. Both Ivan and Tony watch them.

IVAN: Yes.

TONY: The same meter that has been here all day.

IVAN: Yes.

TONY: The one the entire car park with cars full of stickers have used?

IVAN: I’ve only been parked half an hour...It must of run out literally just before I used it.

The machine prints off a ticket; the couple take it and leave.

TONY: Indeed. Look sir, I have a lot to do today and my patience is running out. If you can not produce me with your ticket then I will have to issue you with a fine.

IVAN: Come on mate, I was only parked here to ten minutes to drop a parcel off at the post office for the missus.

TONY: This car has been parked here for more than an hour. If you hadn’t been so long, I would have given you the benefit of doubt.

IVAN: It’s not my fault all the oldies were queuing up for their pensions though was it? They took forever.

TONY: And they get their pensions in that arcade over the road do they?

IVAN: What?

TONY: That is where you came out from.

IVAN: Are you spying on me or something? Following me?

Ivan pauses for a while thinking. He starts nodding and pointing at Tony.

Aah. I get it now. Yes I see... you’ve been caught in the act mister! I don’t know who you think I am, but you’re wrong in any case. Your disguise as a warden is very good, but I can’t let you do it to my car. I don’t care about politics or any of that shit. I don’t really care what you people believe in, or whether you drive planes into buildings and whatnot. Either way, you’re not using my car for your latest plot.

TONY: Excuse me?

IVAN: Yeah I know your likes. Pretend to be honest businessmen, running your shops and taking our money, and all you give us in return is mass killing. I’m not taking it. You should go back to where you came from.

TONY: I’m from Hull.

IVAN: Course you are. That’s what they all say. Is that where Bin Laden is from too is it? Hull?

TONY: I do not like what you are implying.

IVAN: Look ‘mate’, pick another car to plant your bomb right. Go back to that Lamborghini for all its commercial shit it stands for which your likes are against. Just let me leave and I won’t even call the police.

TONY: You do realise that you are suggestion something that is incredibly racist, not to mention disrespectful and completely inaccurate?

IVAN: Don’t try to play the innocent. I’ve been told before I look like our local MP, but I’m not.

TONY: What makes you think I’m a terrorist?

IVAN: You’re one of those Muslim types aren’t you? You’re all the same.

TONY: I’m and Atheist actually, I don’t follow religion. (He talks into his radio) Helen I am going to need some back up here.

IVAN: Is that your code for plan failed?

TONY: No. I am asking my colleague to come deal with you. I do not wish to address you anymore.

IVAN: Oh come on mate, you must get it all the time.

TONY: No. Only from ignorant sods like you. Most people let me get on with my job.

IVAN: I was joking.

TONY: No you weren’t.

IVAN: You types are always trying to get something more out of us genuine citizens aren’t you?

HELEN THIMBLE, another traffic warden enters. She is in her mid thirties.

IVAN: And who is this?

TONY: This is my colleague. She will be taking your details and issuing you with your fine.

HELEN: Got a trouble maker have you Tony?

TONY: No ticket in car, no evidence of ticket purchase, and a few racist comments thrown in too.

HELEN: Right then. (Now addressing Ivan), what is your name?

IVAN:  Ivan Chadderston... but wait a minute. You’re in on this too aren’t you? How much does Tony Bin Laden pay you then?

HELEN: Excuse me?

IVAN: You got to be a whore. Not traffic warden ever looks hot in their uniform. Don’t you care that he is going to bomb my car?

HELEN: Mr Chadderston, I don’t think that kind of comment is necessary, do you?

IVAN: Look, I’ll cut you a deal. I just won twenty quid on the fruit machine inside the arca- I mean the post office, lotto scratch card. I’ll slip it nicely in your cleavage, and you escort your friend away from my car and then nothing will be thought of it.

HELEN: Sod this; you’re not getting a fine.

She signals to TONY, who is mumbling quietly into his radio.

IVAN: Fantastic! You are a fine lady if I ever saw one! There I was thinking you were a hooker at first, but it is great to see there is finally a voice of reason on these streets who can take a joke. Unlike your college here, he didn’t think I was joking you know, sense of humour loss or what!

HELEN: You’re not getting a fine because I have just asked Tony to contact the police and an officer is on his way to arrest you.

IVAN: What? You got to be kidding right? Is that it? You’re trying to reverse this entire joke back at me aren’t you? Well it’s not funny anymore, you’ve gone too serious. Now look, I am a business man and I have a lot of work to get on with today. How about I just pay the fine now, and we move on?

TONY: If you had done that in the first place instead of create this drama sir; we would have been able to let you go with no hassle.

IVAN: Look, Tony isn’t it? I have here my credit card, three credit cards actually, two are platinum so take your pick. Or if you prefer I have cheque? We could arrange bank transfer, anything you like. Why don’t we call that policeman away and start again. Yes that is my car, no there is no ticket and yes I was in the arcade on the fruit machine and not in the post office. What more of a confession do you want?

HELEN: An apology perhaps?

IVAN: I have nothing to apologise for but a little joke going too far. Okay it wasn’t politically correct or anything, but nothing you say these days is right is it? You can’t call a teenage mum clad in Burberry a chav or a homeless man a hobo, even if its all in jest, nobody wants to just say it like it looks anymore. Can even walk to your own car and make a joke.

TONY: It wasn’t a joke though was it?

IVAN: Of course it was mate. Look I told you, just give me the fine and I’ll move on. Tell you what, I’ll still throw in the twenty too- call it community service for your troubles.

Ivan’s mobile starts ringing, he goes to answer it but stops, looks at the screen and stops it ringing.

IVAN: Look, that was a very important contact of mine; I need to get on now.

TONY: You know what, just whatever, that will be seventy pound. Helen,  just finish writing the ticket out, let this idiot go.

HELEN: Tony, he called you a terrorist- are you sure?

TONY: Yes I am sure. If he wishes to remain ignorant about these things, then let him. He is only looking a fool to everyone who hears him.

HELEN: You’re too reasonable Tony, but it’s your call.

IVAN: Thanks mate, look here is my business card, and it’s got all my details on it, address and numbers. (He gets out a cheque book and starts to write) Here is a cheque... sixty did you say?

TONY: Seventy.

IVAN: Phew that’s steep isn’t it? Tell you what, I’ll just sign the bottom here and you fill out the rest. I got to phone this client back otherwise I lose my deal. (He thrusts the cheque in Tony’s hand) Right, well nothing else to see now is there? Bye now, bye, and good to know some traffic wardens do have a sense of humour!

He gets into his car and closes the door. Tony and Helen walk a little away from the car and look at each other.

HELEN: What an idiot.

TONY: Don’t worry about it Helen, that guy is going to get more than one fine today.

HELEN: What do you mean?

TONY: (speaking into radio) Police direct call to pursue the same car discussed before, number plate Romeo Juliet four two, Tango Alpha Echo is just leaving St Havant’s car park now, driver on mobile phone whilst driving. No seat belt either. Just left car park without paying fine requested, as well as delivering racial abuse and insinuating threats. Over.

RADIO: Car already in sight on high street and in pursuit.

HELEN: Tony!

TONY: Well he was an idiot wasn’t he? Now he is going to pay the price. (He rips up the cheque that Ivan handed to him).