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written. by livesofbirds

Poems and Literature by Riegella

Treasured Literature by LadyLincoln

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Submitted on
April 23, 2010
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1.3 KB


91 (who?)


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Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.

Mediterranean breeze warmed my dreams;
cappuccino mornings blended
into Bacardi sunsets.
Tobacco smoulders and I remember-
his name was Cristian Rosas.

Sunset passed. Spirits poured
European measures- unlike tight English twenty-five mil,
relieving the throbs of snow white turned red queen.
The glow led our intoxicated journey. Sambuca fused.
We invaded the dance floor.

yellow lanterns,
blue, red, green
yellow, red,
green merged with smiles.
Freedom spun me to his arms.

Giggles blushed sunburn. Cristian Rosas
whispered his name.
Fingers caressed my shoulder;
pulses shot down my back.
music people blurred
into echoes. His words
a treat richer than coffee. Citrus
perfume infused the heat; hunger took control.
Honey seeped into locked lips.

His wink broke the spell.

Notes flew off key. Samba swayed
a desperate grind of genitals, disgust
erupted in my throat. Honey
tinged saccharin;
backhand met cheek.

On patio furniture I sucked cigarettes.
Cappuccino froth sank with my lust,
imagining Cristian Rosas.
Updated 09/10/10- thank you to the lovely folk in the ladies of lit chatroom hosted by `LadyLincoln and especially to ^GaioumonBatou :heart:

Updated 24/05/10- Thanks to `fllnthblnk, `salshep and ^nycterent, this poem has been stripped bare naked and put back together in hope my prosey ways have been slayed by the secret wannabe poet :) Thank you guys!

Updated 23/05/10- tweaked a few bits which weren't working and probably need to tweak it a little more too.

Okay this poem has been my distraction from script frenzy all week, and it's been frustrating me as I've been going along, hence why the second half is weak, but if I didn't put it up I would be still sat here is a rut with it.

The idea spawned from a friend who is currently stuck in Madrid because of the volcanic ash and the subsquent flight delays. Her facebook said she was giving up waiting for a flight home and instead trying to work out how to find footballer Cristinao Ronaldo so he could live with him in spain. So I wrote this to cheer her up.
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Daily Deviation

Given 2010-10-23
Reality and romance spin an evocative dance in Cristian Rosas by @Beccalicious. ( Featured by Memnalar )
I like this a lot, but I do think it could be better. A couple of technical things first. In British English, it is 'smouldering' rather than 'smoldering'. Also, there is no such word as 'genaltalia'. I think you mean 'genitalia', which I think may be both too bald and too technical for this poem. It does come at a transition point in terms of the tone, but so far the language has been soft and poetic and somewhat euphemistic. Having said that, it is very difficult to think of words to substitute 'genitalia' that will match the tone of almost any piece. But I'd at least think about it.

This brings me to a general point about language. I think sometimes your word choices could be better. I'd keep the long words to a minimum. In moderation, they can help the poem to feel long and slow and sensual, but too many wordy lines get kind of tangled up in each other and eclipse the narrative.

The third stanza, I think, is lovely; good images, and fairly simple language. Then the following stanza is much weaker by comparison. The first and last sentences - 'Giggles behind me blushed the sunburn' and 'I fell into intensity' - both trip me up; I think both compromise on good grammatical sense in favour of flowery language. That first sentence in particular feels very drawn out. That is not to say that the images are bad; I think if you chopped them down and rearranged them a bit, this poem could work really well.

Already the heady atmosphere of a holiday romance, and the sense of nostalgia, are coming through. With a bit of pruning, I think this piece could be really great.
What do you think?
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katarthis Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Interesting. So, someone didn't get the man she was imagining and when she saw it wasn't him, she smacked him?

lol. Probably left the bloke wondering what the heck he did wrong. Ah well, things happen. Or don't. But it's pretty neat.
And oh yes, congratulations on netting a DD.

PTDaHood Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2010   Writer
I missed that volcanic ash by a few weeks xD I was in Italy and Greece but left before it myself.

This is...a very beautiful structure. And lovely imagery. A treat richer than coffee; cappuccino froth, sucking cigarettes, European measures, and the uses of honey...

Gah, God, this is beautiful *__*
SilverWynd Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
Wow I love this! I thought the concept was brilliant, and it set such a vivid scene. So original, and captivating.
chadwood Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2010   Writer
Hello Beccalicious - this was a great read, and I like all of the alcoholic beverage references. I generally like the use of food and drink imagery, because it created a quasi-olfactory response! Well done.
lonelynightrain Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Wow you did a marvalous job on writing the poem!
All the words just really describe, and show a very detailed theme of the poem!
Marvalous job!
The Lord has blessed you with a wonderful talent, and gift for writing such beautiful poetry!
I hope that you have a great and blessed week, and may the Lord keep you and your family safe! ^_^
Robenix Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
I really like the imagery here. Great job!
AnnamaeTezuka Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
Wow. Great job!
AlecWolfe Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2010
Eeee, pulling this to pieces was well worth it. This is wonderful. The rhythm is so easy to read but somehow intense, if that really makes any sense. The colours and the simple descriptions are just what I associate with the Mediterranean and I find I can relate to the persona in this. There is an oddly understandable story here. Great work and congrats on the DD.
mangaluverXD5 Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2010   General Artist
Wow! Nice job! XD!
namenotrequired Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2010  Student Interface Designer
Wow, congrats on the DD hun :D
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