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A cup of tea promise
starts, watered down
lies and coffee
depression.

We take a breath,
inhale the aroma of the mug,
accept what we find,
we drink to our own distaste.

Between bitter sips
warmed chests, clutched hands,
we sit in comfort of this liquid--
as if an elixir of life
snuck into the drink.

Despite cups with cracks and chips
we grip our mugs for comfort
and smile.

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Update 10/10/10- edited thanks to a live critique for ladies of lit. :)

Update 17/04/09

It is really strange when you wake up one morning and feel the need to look at an old piece and decide it needs dusting off.

I never really edited this from the first submission, so it is nice that over a year later I have felt for it again. This is one of my favourite poems I have written, and it also got published in ReadThis Magazine this time last year.

There is always room for minor tweaks though, so feel free to abuse. My main weakness in poetry is grammar, so any help on that is very much appreciated.


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Written about 2 weeks ago about feeling unemployed and the idea how people will always offer you a cup of tea when you're feeling down as if it is going to content you.

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October 12, 2007
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:iconapocathary:
Heya Bec, sorry for taking a little while to get to this, but as I edited onto my journal my good intentions were struck down almost as immediately as I stated them with a nasty arse illness. Back to strength now though, so let's get on with it. (:

My very first reaction was that 'cup of tea promises' sounds awkward. Why not 'teacup promises'? I know that you are trying to explain the offering of a cup of tea, and that's usually what people say when offering, but to my ear it really does sound a bit jarring. Cup. Of. Tea. Prom. is. es.

My second reaction was that there are a lot of general words here rather than images that represent those general words (I think the word I am looking for instead of 'general words' is 'abstractions';). An inventory gives: depression, distaste, dissatisfaction, comfort (x2), dependently, and lies. These are all words that in their context don't immediately bring an image to the readers minds. When I read these words, I'm like a boat without an anchor. Actually, I'm like a boat with an anchor, but no ground to land it upon. Sort of swinging it around, going to the next line and the line after that to try and find something to sink into. And I think overall this is something that lets the poem down.

Third thing I noticed was something you flagged already; the grammar is slightly off. But that's something I can indicate how I would fix in the line notes. Firstly though I'll go through and give you an indication where I, as a reader, found there to be some inconsistencies or things that didn't quite mesh for me.

Meshiness edit:

It all starts

with cup of tea promises,

[watered down {lies}] -- I'm not sure this fits in the context. Could this instead be 'sweetened', as in they are trying to cheer the person up by offering them hope?

and coffee {depression}

When we've taken our breath,

inhaled the aroma [of the mug] -- Mug's don't smell. The things inside them do. 'aroma within the mug' or 'aroma of the brew/liquid' would make more sense.

and accepted what we find, --What have you found?

we drink--

to [our own] {distaste},
[our own] {dissatisfaction} -- these two 'our owns' don't really add much phonetically or metaphorically in their repetitions, and the poem would be smoother without them. See how you like it without them. Also, I'll use these two as an example for all the abstractions in here because, as pointed out above, these two words don't really evoke any imagery. What distaste? The grounds of the coffee worming their way into your gums? What dissatisfaction? The fact you couldn't afford to pay for a measly instant coffee? Show us what you mean by these words, be inventive. Right now, they're just place holders. The other words that need similar work are curly bracketed.

Yet between bitter sips

warmed chest;

clutched hands,

we sit in {comfort} of the liquid--

as if the elixir of life [itself] -- unnecessary

[snuck] into the drink -- There are a lot of words that would fit better here. Snuck just jars the heck out of me.

[Despite broken cups,
with cracks and chips,] -- I think this can be condensed to one line, 'Despite chipped/cracked cups'.

we grip onto the tea {dependently},

take {comfort} -- this is also a repeat from the previous stanza

and [smile]. -- Not so much an abstraction as kind of a cop-out. Smile can mean so many things, what sort of smile? Is it a smile that indicates hope, or one that is used almost aggressively? Is it offered merely to please a career advisor, a false smile?

Grammar edit:

It all starts
with cup of tea promises,
watered down lies
and coffee depression[.]

When we've taken our breath,
inhaled the aroma of the mug
and accepted what we find,

we drink to our own distaste, -- The dash that was here meant that you lost the synergy with 'drink to' also meaning ';proposing a toast'. Losing it makes it much more evident.

our own dissatisfaction[.]

Yet between bitter sips,
warmed chest
and clutched hands,
we sit in [the] comfort of the liquid,
as if the elixir of life itself
snuck into the drink[.]

Despite broken cups,
with cracks and chips,
we grip onto the tea dependently,
take comfort and smile[.]


* * *

Alrighty. Hopefully what I've outlined above will make some sense to you. As always the usual disclaimer applies of it being your piece, which means it's your right to reject or accept any advice I give you. Overall I like the idea that you've presented here. The simple act of offering a cup of tea to someone who is down can be construed so many ways, and I'd like to see you explore that a bit more with concrete images rather than the tendency towards abstraction that you've presented here. It is hard to keep in mind that your readers don't have the closeness to the poem that you have, so while you pen 'dissatisfaction' and see all the myriad shades of meaning that you intend, all the readers see is a word. Work on that and I think this one can really shine. :thumbsup:

Keep it up Bec!
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
9 out of 9 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconthornyenglishrose:
This is a great poem - I think all that really need fixing are a few technical things. The word 'snuck' really jumped out at me. I don't know whether that is ever grammatically correct, but it's colloquial at the very least, and doesn't seem to fit with the tone of the poem. I think you should change it to 'sneaked'.

It also seems like a couple of commas are missing. I think you need one at the end of, 'Yet between bitter sips'. I'm also a bit confused by the line 'we grip into the tea dependent'. Without a comma after 'tea', it's like your talking about a tea dependent like an insulin dependent, but I'm not sure you meant it quite like that! In the same stanza, I also think the comma would sit better at the end of the second line rather than the first.

That's about all. You can always spot a couple more little things, but if you just think about those bits I mentioned I think you can improve it plenty.

The imagery is good. It might be cool to slip in a few more references to drug addiction to add to the overall effect, but as it is, it works really well.
What do you think?
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:iconkathrynodriscoll:
`KathrynODriscoll Jan 10, 2013  Student Writer
Hey there I featured this piece here and just thought I'd let you know.

Thanks!
Reply
:iconbeyondjen:
*BeyondJen Jan 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I like this. :) I think you captured that feeling of sitting down with a cup of tea (or coffee) perfectly. I enjoyed the way you evoked the senses: the aroma, the warmed chests, clutched hands seeking warmth, and the relief that washes over one when sipping our "comfort." Very nicely done. :D
Reply
:iconbeccalicious:
^Beccalicious Jan 18, 2012  Professional Writer
Thank you very much and thank you for the fav, its been a while since someone has viewed this, me included! :hug:
Reply
:iconbeyondjen:
*BeyondJen Jan 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
My pleasure! I enjoy all things coffee and tea and I really liked this. :hug:
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:iconsanuq:
This is wonderful! And how appropriate that I was sipping a mug of tea while reading. :)
Reply
:iconmariakove:
Wonderfundle. c:
Reply
:iconpopsicleparticles:
It would be a mistake for me to tell you where and how badgers should be integrated into this fine poem of yours. Firstly, I am far from a poet myself. I just know a lack of badgers when i see one. Secondly, Badgers need to come from the heart, not as directed by the public. If the hearts not in it then the badger might as well be a beaver :no:
Reply
:iconpopsicleparticles:
i really am enamored with your imagery. the vividity and strength through your word choice was exquisite. If not for the distinct lack of badgers, this would be a 10/10 piece for me.
Reply
:iconbeccalicious:
^Beccalicious Aug 21, 2010  Professional Writer
How do you suggest I integrate the badgers into this poem?
Reply
:iconburntmark:
*BurntMark Jul 17, 2009  Professional Filmographer
I love it.
It's brilliant on it's own but would be a great companion piece to Joy Harjo's "Perhap's the world ends here"
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