Recipe for Writing a Novel
Serves: 1. If you’re J K Rowling, billions.
- 1 Tin standard cat food
- 1 Laptop/Computer
- 250g cat biscuits
- 5 Pens, various colours.
- 1 stuffed cat toy with bell
- 1 pouch slightly fussier cat food
- 1 sachet gourmet cat food
- 1 bottle of wine, red or white
- 1 Wine glass (Large)
- 1 300g Tin of tuna
Cooking time: 2-5 years
(Preparation time approximately 10-60 minutes depending on condition of desk and computer speed)
1. Clear space on desk. If you do not have respective space for junk, throw on floor. Place paper and pens in clear space.
2. Turn on computer and allow 10 minutes for slow loading time. Add 2-3 sighs as windows update informs to restart computer. Restart computer and allow a further 10 minutes.
3. Once computer is ready, open up new document.
1. Begin with your plot. Open internet to several pages, use pens and paper to mix results into a basic plot.
2. Ignore cat entering the catflap.
3. Devise main character. Make sure his / her / its name is original (not Harry, Frodo, Darcy, Alice, Edward, Bella, Mr Gray, Tigger, Pooh or Piglet), so that he / she / it will be uniquely endeared to your readers and the world. Add hair colour to taste.
4. Open tin of cat food and place on floor. Ignore unimpressed cat and return to desk.
5. Devise secondary characters.
6. Ignore leg rubbing from purring cat.
7. Pick cat up and give a short amount of attention before placing on the floor.
8. Throw away rejected standard cat food. Pour in 200g of dried cat biscuits. Cat will look threatening “If you feed me that crap I’ll go throw it up on your bed later”. Remove biscuits and replace with slightly fussier cat food. Return to desk.
9. You should now be ready to make use of word processor. Ensure keyboard is connected. Carefully write opening paragraph, folding in creative adjectives.
10. Turn 180 degrees to see cat has found the stuffed toy with bell. Admire his cute forte and allow 10 minutes to play with him. Cat will eventually lose interest and walk away. Return to desk.
11. Use notes made in step 1 to start first chapter. Add main character.
12. Throw away slightly fussier cat food and replace with gourmet cat food. Watch cat’s suspicion as he sniffs his bowl and allow rejoice when he starts to eat. Return to desk.
13. Repeat step 11. Your first chapter should now have been completed. Do not overcook.
14. Cat will leap up on desk. Remove cat from desk.
15. Repeat step fourteen.
16. Repeat step fourteen.
17. Take note that during cat’s desk adventure he has managed to shut down document. This recipe did not remind to save work at regular intervals; therefore entire chapter is lost. Add swearing to taste.
18. Turn off computer. Pour large glass of wine and slump on sofa. It’s too late to cook dinner, use the tin of tuna. Be joined on sofa by hungry looking cat that will eat the tuna. Drink wine and turn on television.
19. By this point, cat will have fallen asleep. Sofa will stink of tuna. Give up writing epic novel for another day. Blame cat.