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Literature Text
A thousand bags
shuffle down the high street between
clasped hands, scrunched with new purchase.
They’re buggy-dodging the determined mothers,
leftward stepping
the rushed businessmen-- a pinball
machine shopping centre.
A green-robed man, tall with wand and hood
must be a wizard. He’s happily
procuring sushi and sparkling water
whilst his companion;
short with her piercings and jeans treats him
as if he wore the same.
Down the high street,
two track-suited parents
zoom past on their children’s scooters—
half-smoked fags between fingers yell
how fucking amazing this is.
and a
spotted teen raps
his love for Jesus on a muffled
microphone.
He raps for the Father,
He raps for the Son
and Holy Spirit.
He raps for peace, for hope, for you.
In a corner,
Brown eyes, hefty tears,
a snot-ridden face--
four years old.
A train runs through the mall toot-tooting
as grumpy shoppers move out of the way.
A pigeon
A one legged pigeon
with purple feathers
steals chips from the ground.
She hops blissful from each morsel to the next
before other pigeons steal her treat.
Outside the bank
an angry mother grabs
and spanks her wailing son.
A boom of feathers
and panic;
Schoolboys run and flick
cola.
Toot-toot
it’s his fault her eyes wandered to her phone.
it’s his fault he wandered off.
Literature
Mid-summer Moon (poem)
On a beautiful night with a big full moon,
in the mid-summer warm month of June.
The village had settled but no one could sleep,
although they'd all tried counting sheep.
Some tossed and turned and some read books,
some just listened to the babbling brook.
The moon lit up the sky so bright.
Nobody´s going to sleep tonight.
Even the birds were wide awake,
"Oh please be quiet for goodness sake!"
They preened their feathers and flew around
with tweets and hoots and a dawn chorus of sound.
It was just no use, the moon's too strong,
pulling people up from where they belong.
So robbed of sleep, the night like day
they pottered about, all yaw
Literature
Souvenirs
When her mom went to check the mail at breakfast, she returned with a thin box in her arms.
It was a package from her father.
Her dad was sort of like a traveler... at least, that was what she assumed he was. His job always had him jumping from city to city, country to country. He'd been to almost everywhere around the world, and every few weeks, he would send her a letter with a little souvenir from his stay. This time, it was a miniature Eiffel Tower.
So he's in France again, she mused, studying the two-foot tall replica. A small chuckle escaped her lips. It was about time he remembered to get it for her! He really should've thought of b
Literature
Morphine
Summer pours itself out a glass of
oxygen outside your locked windows
and there is a hosepipe ban issued
the day you decide to cut your hair,
bent like a set-square over the sink,
black tresses slipping down the ceramic
and sighing into the creases of your shirt.
Beyond the four walls fraying around you
there is a heatwave, tarmac melting,
children playing with magnifying lens and
warnings about wild-fire broadcast from
the radios. But you are still staring in the
mirror at sunken eyes and sallow fists,
at how you have deflated this winter like
a popped balloon. The smell of cinnamon
skies whispers through the keyhole, along
with old oak tr
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I wish in a way this was more about the guy dressed as a wizard than the lost child. Just a typical day observing whilst out shopping in town!
Minor edits 18/05/13
Major edit 21/05/13 with thanks from =futilitarian and ^neurotype
Minor edits 18/05/13
Major edit 21/05/13 with thanks from =futilitarian and ^neurotype
© 2013 - 2024 BeccaJS
Comments36
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Overall Vision
Originality Technique ImpactWell you were right~ I was pretty crazy to take on 50 critiques<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/g/g…" width="17" height="15" alt="
" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="100" title="Giggle"/> Sorry it's taken me so long to get to yours! mistressofquills.deviantart.co…I read this poem when you first posted it (before your major edit), and I remember really loving the imagery here! It's really easy to imagine exactly what you're describing, and I love that in poetry! The cadence you have going is wonderful to read - I bet it's gold when read aloud! I can't really remember, but did you have this classified as spoken word before your major edit? Either way, this is a very intriguing read! I especially like how you made the shopping bags into characters in your first stanza - very clever!<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="15" height="15" alt="
" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="366" title=" (Big Grin)"/>Vision: I love how much culture is packed into this piece. So many different people who are so different from each other, but though the individual snapshots are clear and unique, they have commonalities, and having those throughout the poem gives it an interesting tone.
Originality: People watching is so fun, especially because you get so many glimpses into so many different people's lives! I think you did a really good job of capturing each snap-shot moment of the people you saw, with unique, interesting and appropriate word choice.
Technique: Besides the wonderful description, I think the best thing about this piece is its rhythm. Like most free verse poetry, it has a unique flow and cadence, and then since it's also a spoken word poem, there's an added beat to the words that lends more of a structured feel to its format. One grammatical thing I noticed: in the stanza about the pigeon, you've written "she hops blissful to each morsel to the next" - I think you'll want to change that first "to" to a "from" (I hope that wasn't too confusing...).
Impact: As the poem progresses, there's a pattern of each stanza describing one scenario each, but they get shorter and more candid, though no less vivid, and I think that really adds significance to your ending. Throughout the poem, you have complete sentences with capitalized beginning words and the right ending punctuation, but that also gradually falls away towards the end. It gives the last couple of stanzas a more raw feel, and that goes really well with the content of those stanzas.
I really enjoyed reading and analyzing this poem, and I hope my critique is helpful to you!<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="15" height="15" alt="
" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="366" title=" (Big Grin)"/>