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Submitted on
February 20, 2010
File Size
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7 (who?)
Frost licks every twig
every blade, topping roofs
with Jack-glitter. Minus
degrees attract
her grey mantle; inhaling
pure ether as she comes.

Sisters float beside me-
let the goddess' gentle
winds brush me; guide me down
to him..

I crafted you with a silver pin
Etching unique patterns. Cherish
your aura,
for he will adore you.

The goddess whispered:
"Snow powders you tonight, find one flake"
My roots tingled with excitement, no
longer shrivelled cold. As skies
turned silver, natures pulse
echoed my entirety.

He presents to me--
each crisp grass blade stands to
attention. I hope he knows
the steps.

She lands--
resting on me, content;
seeping, she melts.
for `PoeticWar's workshop on multiple voices at #Writers-Workshop

inspired as walking to work in the snow yesterday.

Apologies for my lame attempts at poetry.
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jamberry-song Jul 11, 2011  Professional General Artist
I think it's rather pretty. I chose this one because of its Pagan overtones; the goddess of winter, Green Man's welcome to her. I really adore this bit:

I crafted you with a silver pin
Etching unique patterns. Cherish
your aura,
for he will adore you.

Although I did notice in the third to last stanza, "turned silver, natures pulse"---I think you meant "nature's pulse" there. I think you succeeded at creating distinct voices in this one.
Itti Mar 24, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
Some beautiful imagery in here. I like "topping roofs / with Jack-glitter".
Wow, absolutely beautiful, if I must say so. The imagery and simple language provide a poignant picture - and it doesn't help that I was listening to a beautiful song while reading your poem. The whole feeling that I got from the poem was this sense of magicality, if you know what I mean. This is certainly not a lame attempt at poetry, I assure you.

It's a bit confusing how you start off talking about Frost and then saying later on in the same stanza:

Minus degrees attract
her grey mantle; inhaling
pure ether as she comes.

It took me a few times to understand who 'she' was, since you are consistent in referring to Frost as a he. I think that you should write something into that stanza to allude to who 'she' is. I believe that would help in clearing any confusion one may get from reading the first stanza.

You did very well in showing the change in speakers. Personifying Frost was a neat idea. You may or may not be a religious person - and if you're not, please don't take offense - but as I continued reading on and got to the line 'I crafted you with a wilver pin', I suddenly made a connection of Frost being God, if you will, and the snowflakes being God's children - us, as you may well know. Just an observation and personal insight on your poem.

Thanks for giving me the chance to read this piece of work. It was absolutely beautiful. Keep it up!
Oops, that's supposed to be 'silver pin', not 'wilver pin'. Typo. ^^;
Tisala Feb 25, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
Beautiful, hun! You've brought forth an image I will always cherish... Being Canadian, I love the snow, not necessarily the cold, but when that snow falls... You've captured its essence and given it a voice >_> or three...

Hopefully, I'll be able to come back and give you a more thorough critique tomorrow, though I don't really think you need one.
I thought this was really nicely done, though I certainly had to double back. "I crafted you with a silver pin/Etching unique patterns. Cherish/ your aura,/for he will adore you." Is a really nice image. I agree with Aqua-rat, that sense of care is not done much with the cold and it produces a good effect.
I found it hard to follow the first time I read it, but after finding from your comments that it was many voices, the second reading gave me no problem. My favourite parts are the opening and, especially, the ending which is very romantic. It is pleasingly refreshing to look at snow and frost and extreme cold in such a positive and delightful way.
Love the descriptions. (Jack-glitter :D)

The first stanza is a bit confusing.

...with Jack-glitter. Minus
degrees attract
her grey mantle;

It seems unusual that you've put "minus" in the previous line. Unless you wanted to accentuate that word. I think the way you have the next phrase running over to the next line does work, but only before commas/semicolons, not after full stops. Sorry, did that make any sense?

After reading it for the first time, I immediately assumed frost was an object, not personified, so I thought " whose grey mantle?". I had to double back.
Maybe she could be a Lady Frost :)

There's such a sense of peace to this poem. It seems a world away from me; it's summer over here :)
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