Wow, absolutely beautiful, if I must say so. The imagery and simple language provide a poignant picture - and it doesn't help that I was listening to a beautiful song while reading your poem. The whole feeling that I got from the poem was this sense of magicality, if you know what I mean. This is certainly not a lame attempt at poetry, I assure you.
It's a bit confusing how you start off talking about Frost and then saying later on in the same stanza:
Minus degrees attract her grey mantle; inhaling pure ether as she comes.
It took me a few times to understand who 'she' was, since you are consistent in referring to Frost as a he. I think that you should write something into that stanza to allude to who 'she' is. I believe that would help in clearing any confusion one may get from reading the first stanza.
You did very well in showing the change in speakers. Personifying Frost was a neat idea. You may or may not be a religious person - and if you're not, please don't take offense - but as I continued reading on and got to the line 'I crafted you with a wilver pin', I suddenly made a connection of Frost being God, if you will, and the snowflakes being God's children - us, as you may well know. Just an observation and personal insight on your poem.
Thanks for giving me the chance to read this piece of work. It was absolutely beautiful. Keep it up!
Beautiful, hun! You've brought forth an image I will always cherish... Being Canadian, I love the snow, not necessarily the cold, but when that snow falls... You've captured its essence and given it a voice >_> or three...
Hopefully, I'll be able to come back and give you a more thorough critique tomorrow, though I don't really think you need one.
I thought this was really nicely done, though I certainly had to double back. "I crafted you with a silver pin/Etching unique patterns. Cherish/ your aura,/for he will adore you." Is a really nice image. I agree with Aqua-rat, that sense of care is not done much with the cold and it produces a good effect.
I found it hard to follow the first time I read it, but after finding from your comments that it was many voices, the second reading gave me no problem. My favourite parts are the opening and, especially, the ending which is very romantic. It is pleasingly refreshing to look at snow and frost and extreme cold in such a positive and delightful way.
...with Jack-glitter. Minus degrees attract her grey mantle;
It seems unusual that you've put "minus" in the previous line. Unless you wanted to accentuate that word. I think the way you have the next phrase running over to the next line does work, but only before commas/semicolons, not after full stops. Sorry, did that make any sense?
After reading it for the first time, I immediately assumed frost was an object, not personified, so I thought " whose grey mantle?". I had to double back. Maybe she could be a Lady Frost
There's such a sense of peace to this poem. It seems a world away from me; it's summer over here
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Bluefley has a gallery filled with artwork that whisks you off in to a Sci-fi daydream, and keeps you captivated for hours. Marc has been a member of our community for over a decade and has achieved nothing but success with his astounding commitment to interacting with the community, sharing a prolific amount of video tutorials and generally being an all round rockstar deviant. It is no joke that we are absolutely delighted to award the Deviousness Award for April 2014 to ... Read More